Phrases you find in job ads – what they say and what they mean

Ever find yourself stuck for words when writing your job copy. Following on from the script on my comedy writing page, here are a few more phrases to help you entice your candidates, but beware, they all come with a hidden meaning. (Just a bit of fun really, take with a pinch of salt)

you have good team building skills – there will be lots of dragging people away from their desk at short notice so that you can give them some crap motivational talk in the boardroom whilst they cry a lot. You’ll also find yourself saying things like ‘there’s no ‘I’ in the word ‘team’ a lot. Continue reading

Questions NOT to ask at an interview – Funny

  1. What’s your company’s policy on severance pay?
  2. How long does it take your company’s bureaucracy to get around to firing somebody for poor performance?
  3. Do you have a random drug testing policy?
  4. Does your company’s life insurance cover suicide?
  5. How in depth are your criminal background checks?
  6. Does your company’s insurance consider genital herpes a pre-existing condition?
  7. How many sick days do you allow each employee before you stop paying them for not being here?
  8. Does your insurance cover sex-change operations?
  9. Does your internet access have a firewall that blocks pornographic websites?
  10. How frequently do your accountants audit petty cash?

Happy Friday

An old Recruiting Story – Funny

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

“Welcome to Heaven,” said St.Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an executive make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.” Continue reading

HR Manager`s Love letter – Funny

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 20th of October (Thursday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 19th of Oct. at 1500hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to your promotion from lover to spouse. Continue reading

A letter to Cats and Dogs – Funny

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door – nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

  1. They live here. You don’t.
  2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”nature.)
  3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
  4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

  1. Eat less
  2. Don’t ask for money all the time
  3. Are easier to train
  4. Normally come when called
  5. Never ask to drive the car
  6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
  7. Don’t smoke or drink
  8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
  9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
  10. Don’t need a “gazillion” dollars for college.
  11. And finally,

  12. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Actual Meaning of Job Descriptions

“COMPETITIVE SALARY”
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”
We have no time to train you.

“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.

“MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED”
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

“DUTIES WILL VARY”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
We have no quality control.

“CAREER-MINDED”
Female Applicants must be unmarried (and remain that way).

“APPLY IN PERSON”
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

Good hunting.

Barry

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Application Letter Mistakes

These funnies landed on the desk of the Human Resources Director

  1. I have a graduate degree in unclear physics.
  2. My hobbies include raising long-eared rabbis as pets.
  3. My last job was as a plumbing and hating specialists.
  4. I worked for 6 years as an uninformed security guard.
  5. The academic scholarship I earned came with a plague.
  6. Most of my experience to this point has been as a blue-color worker.
  7. As part of the city maintenance crew, I repaired bad roads and defective brides.
  8. My career goal is to shave my talents with a growing company.
  9. This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ‘typist And an accountant – Male or Female’… As I am both for the past Several years and I can handle both; I am applying for the post.
  10. As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, Please grant me 10 days leave.

(Thanks to Will and Guy’s Human Resources Horror Stories)

Good hunting

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Barry

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