Phrases you find in job ads – what they say and what they mean

Ever find yourself stuck for words when writing your job copy. Following on from the script on my comedy writing page, here are a few more phrases to help you entice your candidates, but beware, they all come with a hidden meaning. (Just a bit of fun really, take with a pinch of salt)

you have good team building skills – there will be lots of dragging people away from their desk at short notice so that you can give them some crap motivational talk in the boardroom whilst they cry a lot. You’ll also find yourself saying things like ‘there’s no ‘I’ in the word ‘team’ a lot.

we offer comprehensive training – provided you believe that pretending to be a tree whilst holding hands with your colleagues halfway up a mountain in the pouring rain means ‘comprehensive’ that is

you have a good eye for detail – you are one of those irritating people who spots there is a comma missing just as we’re about to send out a mail shot to 2,000 people.

It’s a hands-on role – we don’t employ removal firms and we don’t have a maintenance department. Therefore, expect to hump desks, pot plants, drinks machines etc. frequently.

It’s a varied role – Your motto will be ‘so much to do, so little time’

you have good organizational skills – you take the time and trouble to keep things like staples and paperclips in your desk tidy rather than just slinging them in a drawer in your desk.

you balance the day-to-day with the strategic – you don’t just talk a good game

you’re fully conversant – you could talk the hind legs off a donkey about nothing in particular

you’re sensitive to the needs of others – you bring cakes in on your birthday

the rewards speak for themselves – so we’ll say no more about them

you have what it takes to influence others –  if all else fails you’ll take them down the pub and get them drunk

it’s an autonomous role –  and you’re Billy no mates twin brother – perfect!

you’re self-reliant – you don’t trust your colleagues any further than you could throw them

you’re tactful and diplomatic – your ‘team’ are a touchy lot, so expect to walk on eggshells a lot

you enjoy communicating with a diverse range of people – we’re a right bunch of weirdos

you have good time management skills – you’re one of those annoying people that gets up at five in the morning on your days off, just so you can ‘make the most of the day’

it’s an influential position – your desk will be right in the middle of the office

you’re a creative thinker – you have an excuse for everything

you know how to motivate others – we find steel toe capped boots and shouting a lot works the best

you know how to deal with constant change – we’re like headless chickens, you’re the farmer

you’re target driven – you’ll get to write the sales figures up on the boards with the magic marker pen

you enjoy working independently – your office is miles away from everyone else’s

often under pressure – we’re seriously understaffed

this is a brand new role –  The job description is flakier than puff pastry

you’re dynamic – pushy sort are you?

you’re ambitious – we’ve got plenty of plodders thanks very much

it’s a role that calls for a broad knowledge –  we will expect you to be a mine of information, most of it useless

and lots more – in case we didn’t cover ourselves by slipping the word ‘flexible’ into the copy somewhere

you’re adaptable – you’ll do as we say not as we do

it’s full of challenge and variety – it’s a very frustrating job, but we mix the frustrations up a little bit.

you’re forward thinking – you can’t wait for going home time

…in what can be pressurized environment – two of your colleagues don’t talk to each other. We’ve moved them to opposite sides of the office but they have the occasional flair up, usually by the photocopier.

you’re career minded – uh-oh, another Billy no mates

you cope well with upheaval – your boss is like a disgruntled housewife. He’ll just come in without warning one day and say he’s decided to move the office around.

It’s a role that involves extensive travel – our head office is in the middle of nowhere

you’ll be a primary source of knowledge – the world and his wife will be hassling you for advice all day, every day

whilst not essential, would be useful – Listen, if you haven’t got what we’re looking for, don’t bother applying because sure as hell some bright spark will have

it’s a multi-faceted role – someone has to be the dogsbody and that someone is you

it’s full of scope and variety – …and photocopying and filing, and more photocopying and more filing

you’re a persuasive communicator – you’ll find yourself saying ‘do it or you’re fired’ a lot

it’s a high-profile role – we’ll be watching you like hawks

you’re self-motivated – you don’t need a good kick up the arse in the mornings – unlike the rest of us

you manage your time effectively – you surf the web all day but minimize the window so that it looks as if you’re busy

it’s a vital role – no other bugger wants to do the photocopying and filing

you have a methodical approach – you’re a bit anal

we’re a friendly and dedicated team – until you cross us or screw up that is

Courtesy of http://alasdairdmurraycopywriter.co.uk